STUDY Day 25—Empowerment, Free Will By Me

Years ago when I was sick with MS my husband at the time, Joseph,  would come in late at night and turn on the bedroom light waking me up.  Every night between 1-2:30am he did this after staying up watching TV instead of coming to bed with me. I would get so angry with him; he was selfish and inconsiderate. What was wrong with him-couldn’t he see I was fighting for my life, not feeling good, too tired already? I could not handle him breaking up the already restless and painful sleep I was having. Finally one night I lost it, half asleep and furious I yelled at him. 

The next three nights he came in without turning on the light and I still was woken up by his noise, banging cabinet doors, tossing shoes.  The fourth night I was awake when he came in and I had a chance to observe his behavior instead of being woken by it. He was ever so careful, slowly opening drawers, quietly laying his belt and keys down only to trip and fall into the cupboard in the dark, stumbling over things the kids had left that he didn’t expect. In that moment I saw everything clearly. This very gentle man was being as generous as he could and still meeting his needs.  It dawned on me how very selfish I was!  

My attention and focus was so tight into my needs because I was unwell that I couldn’t see any thing else. I had taken away what made it possible for him to come in quietly-the light.  I started to see my lack of compassion. Because my focus was on my suffering I didn’t see his need to unwind after working late, I only saw myself going to bed alone. My sensitivity to light didn’t make sense to him, he didn’t have that experience. The list goes on to include things like my stuffing my feelings down until my only option was to explode, his inability to handle stress that increased his need for false comfort of television, his need for some quiet alone time, my need for companionship- all of these things driving us further away from the win win.

When I considered everything from a selfless place in me it was clear who he was.  He only turned the light on so he could be very quiet. He only left the light off, bumping and bruising himself in the dark, to meet my needs. We didn’t know yet how to find the win win.  We were new. I did realize our actions were not getting us what we wanted and we agreed to work on things instead of continuing as we were.

We talked about the entire situation expressing ourselves as openly and as fearlessly as we could. I looked at what was happening: the lamp was waking me up, turning it off still woke me up, turning it back on would not stop him from waking me up. The focus was still on his waking me up, my attention was still on my need for sleep. Pulling back my focus and attention to see more of what was right in front of me, letting go of my painful beliefs, it was easier to see the win win. A flashlight!

After that a small flashlight was used so he could easily see his way around a dark room to get his pajamas on quietly. My knowing he is always doing his best gave me the understanding for the days that he did wake me up, it was never because he was only selfish. We had our win win.  He was always trying to meet my needs and his in the same moment.  The final result with this new win win in place was on the days he did wake me instead of my being upset I was compassionate and instead of him feeling defensive he was affectionate and instead of us going to bed feeling uncomfortable and disturbed we could both relax and feel loved.

All the Above

Todays lesson is the compilation of all the lessons this far.  Having a deep understanding of this information will make it easier to move forward. Take time and pay close attention during your day to how the feelings and emotions move with you and because of you instead of feeling like you move and choose things because of these feelings and emotions.  Make conscious decisions that support what you want in life.

Remember these facts:

  • I am in control of my life and my experiences.  If I do not like what my actions are brining me I need to stop, change my behavior and responses to reflect what I want in this moment
  • Everything is a misunderstanding. When I am fighting with someone or have hurt feelings more often than not what I want is to stop feeling hurt and to have them closer to me, pushing them away may not meet my need
  • If there is pain there is delusion. My focus is too tight. My perception (focus of attention and awareness) is leaving out vital information that would make everything easier
  • Be vulnerable, sharing and risking who I am, knowing the reaction is about the other person and their perception, not about me, brings about change
  • When something is going in a direction I do not like it is okay to undo and redo things until it moves to meet my balanced need. Forcing others to meet my unbalanced need will continue to feel uncomfortable, a win lose result.

Exercise:

Action steps for when you find yourself in a place of pain.  Practice these with someone you know loves you and cares for you. Further into the process we will work on using these steps with everyone in your life as you learn more and more of how energy works and what drives us as human beings to be as we are. The more you become aware the more you will realize you are using these steps naturally and with less effort every day.

STOP!  See how your actions are pushing away what you want instead of pulling it in.

LISTEN! Listen to yourself, listen to see how you are pushing, listen to see what others are really saying and meaning instead of hearing it from a skewed balance of pain.

SEE! See how your attention is too focused because of fear, pull back from this focus, allow your attention to broaden to see more of the reality in front of you.  We are all always doing our best and something in the past has taken your focus away from that in this moment.

LET GO! Let go of the painful belief you are struggling under.  What would your life look like if you were not stuck clinging to this belief? This one is especially true when all you can see is the selfishness of someone else. Human beings are always selfish and selfless in every moment to the best of their abilities.

SHARE! The other person can only guess what is going on inside of you. Do your best to communicate who you are from a place of vulnerability. Holding back to protect yourself from the fear of what may happen draws things out longer, forcing us to go through the same process over and over.

CONTEMPLATE! Take time to go through everything without judgment, attachment, or conclusion.

RESPONSIBILITY! Realize where you are responsible for yourself and where you need to let go of responsibility for things that are not about you.

Information Feedback on Empowerment Lesson 25