STUDY Day 38—Selfish and Selfless

Selfless and Selfish

The expression of balance between two people starts with the acceptance that differences have value or meaning, a movement from singularly balanced to co-dependently centered. This is not the same as co-dependently balanced. When centered between two people the balance is now held and controlled by each party independently and concurrently.

Co-dependently centered occurs when you have a desire to experience something you could not experience on your own. You shift from what is understood to exist as something that is unknown to you temporarily! This is enjoyable, it is something new you couldn’t create on your own. This energetic exchange gives you insight and ability to begin creation of self in a new direction.

To further understand consider this, prior to a baby learning to walk they crawl. Over time through observation and effort a baby will learn to walk all on their own. When a baby is encouraged to walk with the aid of someone who already walks and the baby attempts to walk because of this encouragement they are existing as co-dependently centered. In that moment the baby would not have had that experience without the connection to someone else. The baby uses this connection to comprehend and learn at a faster rate and create a new experience of their own.

If your experience moves from temporary to repeated to meet the perceived need of a partner then this becomes co-dependently balanced. Once habitual without regards to your own needs the solution is now outside of you and you are not whole without the support of the co-dependent partner. You have created the energetics of obligation. “I need you to___ so I can___.” 

In regards to the baby it would be expressed as such, the baby now needs you to help them walk and is not satisfied with learning on their own. Because they have not created the existence on their own and have not found the solution internally to continue they are co-dependently balanced. Even when they are physically capable of walking on their own they may still insist on you aiding them, the solution is outside of themselves. They can not see how to recreate the experience without the connection to you. To further express this condition you may also recognize that the child only wants you and not simply some other walker. It is not the experience of walking driving their need it is the connection to you in addition to the experience.

Even further, as the child grows, if you insist on holding a child’s hand when they cross a busy street instructing that it is for their safety you create the same co-dependent balance. The macrocosm (big picture experience) you were providing is about safety while the microcosm (little picture details) is about crossing the street. You may find the child reaching to your hand for safety even when not in conjunction with crossing the street. They are outside of themselves co-dependently balanced, instead of creating the experience of safety inside of themselves, singularly balanced. This is a beautiful part of humanity, having these detailed intricate connections makes living interdependently necessary and useful.

The Experience of Selfless/Selfish Change

You are making dinner. You partner has a friend over. In the past you have always made dinner together. Tonight they are talking and you decide to serve dinner to your partner and their friend. You see great pride and joy in your partners face and you like the experience. Without discussing your partners experience you begin to form conclusions, “they enjoyed being served by me, they are proud to show their friend that I am of service”. This has been a good experience. From this experience you may make assumptions of what your partner’s needs are and how to best meet them.

A week goes by. Your partner comes home tired and worn and you want to help them feel better. The snap shot of dinner takes forefront in this moment as an effective way to receive the love and admiration you want while meeting an apparent need of theirs. This appears to be a win win.

Over time you do this more and more and after a year your partner wanders in with their own assumptions. They see how you shine when you are of service to them. Perhaps they conclude you are more efficient on your own and feel in the way now instead of included. There are hundreds of possibilities based on perception and experience in regards to someone providing meals for them in the past.

Skip ahead a year to a hard day experienced by your partner. They come in wanting you to make dinner and serve them. After a year this is now historic and habitual behavior. In the past you have done it graciously and willingly many times and today you feel like you do not want to. If you remain co-dependently centered you can effortlessly choose you while knowing the need of others and look for the win win of this moment.

For whatever reason in this moment you give to them selflessly, altering the natural flow of taking care of self then others, win win, to being of service even though it does not meet your need. This is not a win win. You could move into altruism here. This is what keeps parents taking care of children. As children become more independent the natural urge for altruism is replaced with the need for a co-dependently centered relationship.

In the moment you use your desire for the admiration and appreciation you will receive to push yourself past the apparent feelings of not meeting your needs and you settle in with the idea that this is okay because in the end you did get something you wanted even though it was not all your needs being met. This is a compromise instead of a win win. This is not energetically sound and will have long term ramifications if continued without communication.


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